Monday, November 21, 2005
bleak place
Hmmm a random sequence of events may have accelerated an inevitable decline, or perhaps I'm just blood sugar or hormonally challenged. Yesterday on leaving my friends after Harry Potter the movie (go see it's great, Mr Tennant has left us foaming for his Dr Who performance, and the wesleys are top banana too) I crashed. Not sure if it was a lack of food, or just an overaught Friday night (bumped into someone I haven't seen for about 16 years, went out with 17 years ago for about 3 months, took me 11 to get over him. First guy I realised I loved, made me realise I had loved someone else but that kind of makes it first love-esque. Failed to recognise him as the passage of time had not been unkind, but changed hair long to short, face gaunt to well rounded etc.
After that got back to the lovely blokes to discover he had been burgled: no bed at 12.30 for us, by the time the police and boarding up chap had been it was gone 3 am. Thankfully not much taken, but bloody inconvenient and he will be upset for a while I suspect. For me it's the ignorance of the consequences of these idiots actions that burns a destructive wound in your soul. Everytime people close to me or I get burgled I find I have a little less regard for youths. I forget a bit more what it's like to have nothing and no hope of anything so you don't understand that by invading and taking from people who've worked hard to get a little bit you are destroying part of that which could perhaps have worked to give you some hope.
Anyway I crashed rather badly mentally. by the time I'd got to the car I was pretty much in tears, the overwhelming sense of failure and underachievement, lack of purpose and general failure to utlise time, become a contributor to the world has yet again closed in. Hmmm this really isn't very healthy. The logic part of my brain and the rest of it are clearly not on speaking terms, but the rest of it is currently in command. Life really was easier when I thought Aliens were messing with my head! I think it may be time to find the phone number of a counsellor, since I'm on rather an alarming cycle here. Lovely bloke is being lovely and has a friend with a spare light box that's coming my way (on the basis that February may have come early this year for me and it's a form of SAD) I need to get to grips with myself and motivate me to do what needs to be done.
Bizarrely the best thing about being an underachiever with a fear of failure is that when your thoughts start getting too scary to breathe and the tears start coming; the fear starts building but then you know your fear of failure prevents you attempting anything terminal. I suspect this may be what saves many people from the ultimate harm. That and the desire not to inconvenience anyone.
Clearly the impending birthday is not aiding this situation: perhaps it may even be a trigger (although the Ex, the failure to find any jobs worth applying for, the failure to make time to go to the gym and get them endorphins and the generally futility of my life may not be helping) About a month ago I realised that I thought I was going to change the world for the better but then got distracted by fun and booze and socialising and then trying to decide what carreer to do that I forgot, but fundamentally I still have that dreadful middleclass desire to "make a difference" and having remembered that I seem to have slipped again. It would be an awful lot easier to try and change the world if I could decide how I wanted to change it and got on with doing so: this whole inability to focus on any one of the worlds ills really isn't constructive.
After that got back to the lovely blokes to discover he had been burgled: no bed at 12.30 for us, by the time the police and boarding up chap had been it was gone 3 am. Thankfully not much taken, but bloody inconvenient and he will be upset for a while I suspect. For me it's the ignorance of the consequences of these idiots actions that burns a destructive wound in your soul. Everytime people close to me or I get burgled I find I have a little less regard for youths. I forget a bit more what it's like to have nothing and no hope of anything so you don't understand that by invading and taking from people who've worked hard to get a little bit you are destroying part of that which could perhaps have worked to give you some hope.
Anyway I crashed rather badly mentally. by the time I'd got to the car I was pretty much in tears, the overwhelming sense of failure and underachievement, lack of purpose and general failure to utlise time, become a contributor to the world has yet again closed in. Hmmm this really isn't very healthy. The logic part of my brain and the rest of it are clearly not on speaking terms, but the rest of it is currently in command. Life really was easier when I thought Aliens were messing with my head! I think it may be time to find the phone number of a counsellor, since I'm on rather an alarming cycle here. Lovely bloke is being lovely and has a friend with a spare light box that's coming my way (on the basis that February may have come early this year for me and it's a form of SAD) I need to get to grips with myself and motivate me to do what needs to be done.
Bizarrely the best thing about being an underachiever with a fear of failure is that when your thoughts start getting too scary to breathe and the tears start coming; the fear starts building but then you know your fear of failure prevents you attempting anything terminal. I suspect this may be what saves many people from the ultimate harm. That and the desire not to inconvenience anyone.
Clearly the impending birthday is not aiding this situation: perhaps it may even be a trigger (although the Ex, the failure to find any jobs worth applying for, the failure to make time to go to the gym and get them endorphins and the generally futility of my life may not be helping) About a month ago I realised that I thought I was going to change the world for the better but then got distracted by fun and booze and socialising and then trying to decide what carreer to do that I forgot, but fundamentally I still have that dreadful middleclass desire to "make a difference" and having remembered that I seem to have slipped again. It would be an awful lot easier to try and change the world if I could decide how I wanted to change it and got on with doing so: this whole inability to focus on any one of the worlds ills really isn't constructive.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
2000ads looking for a good home
I've been watching the listings on ebay and it's not good: 2000ads of the prog 500-1040 era don't really want to go to new homes, and so rather than spend hours of my life on futile sales mission I figure that I'm just going to send all mine out into the ether to make their own way in the world. Now there's a big chunk of my being (the one that's stored these for the last 10 years) that says "NOOO you wouldn't put a book in the bin you can't put a comic there" but there's another part that says "look lady you ain't reread a single issue ever, even after they've been in your living room for the last 3 months, they are driving you nuts as they are clutter and really what's the biggy?" Of course I could chop out the stories that if they were in graphic novel maybe I'd keep and use the magic of ring binders to simulate this but the bit of my brain that goes "desecration alert" seems to have even more of an issue with that. So what should a girl do?
a. store them out of sight and leave them behind when I move house (note this event is about 10 years away and I want to de-clutter)
b. store them out of sight and take them to continue to do the same with when I move house (see note above)
c. chop them up and keep Slaine, bin the rest
d. ask everyone I know if they want any of them (and I insist on full consent of all the occupants of the household they are going to if I know you: if you are a stranger hell I owe your partners no loyalty take them!)
e. find someone whose hamster wants multicoloured bedding and shred them for them...
f. fill up the recycling bin
g. dump them outside a comic store at night and run away
h. dump them outside a charity store at night and run away (with a load of other charity store kind of stuff).
i. persue another course of action as suggested by the reader...
I know lots of you will be horrified at the idea of comics not being cherished but I feel by keeping them locked away I am preventing anyone ever having the opportunity of deriving joy from them again so I need to liberate them somehow. I also have a bunch of Crisis and JD Megazines that are just so 1990s...
a. store them out of sight and leave them behind when I move house (note this event is about 10 years away and I want to de-clutter)
b. store them out of sight and take them to continue to do the same with when I move house (see note above)
c. chop them up and keep Slaine, bin the rest
d. ask everyone I know if they want any of them (and I insist on full consent of all the occupants of the household they are going to if I know you: if you are a stranger hell I owe your partners no loyalty take them!)
e. find someone whose hamster wants multicoloured bedding and shred them for them...
f. fill up the recycling bin
g. dump them outside a comic store at night and run away
h. dump them outside a charity store at night and run away (with a load of other charity store kind of stuff).
i. persue another course of action as suggested by the reader...
I know lots of you will be horrified at the idea of comics not being cherished but I feel by keeping them locked away I am preventing anyone ever having the opportunity of deriving joy from them again so I need to liberate them somehow. I also have a bunch of Crisis and JD Megazines that are just so 1990s...
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
contrasting days
1st november: the day which started with an accidental (failed) atempt at thumb amputation, lead though tedium and self-destructive workday to aches and queasiness that were clearly my health system colluding with my near overwhelming fear of new social settings. Having given up on my booked trip to new social setting despite all previous attempts to force myself to go (booked onto the event, got partner to reschedule another event rather than cancel this one loaded me enough guilt to last a lifetime). Full inundation of moroseness followed the failure to attend gathering, wasted evening in a pool of guilt and remorse. Thankfully my fear of failure on these days outweighs my desire to ensure I never face any decisions again.
2nd november: woke up early, full of gloom, got up, got purposeful, got loads done, didn't let work colleagues get to me continued to get loads done. currently 2pm, still achieving.
2nd november: woke up early, full of gloom, got up, got purposeful, got loads done, didn't let work colleagues get to me continued to get loads done. currently 2pm, still achieving.
