Iola's Idiocy

This weekend was a party in london - the glory of mega bus (if you are going to go by bus go cheap in firm seats - it's comfier that national express, however if you can get the train do it) and a party in Hayes. This time no getting incomprehensibly drunk - but entertained by people who nearly were. The chaps ex was there afterall and I think it threw him. He was honest which was good, and I don't see her as such an issue (now I know the things that are new and the complications she choses to be in I think it must be very sad to see someone you cared for chosing such a toxic seeming place to be in her life. Did previously - she wears the clothes, has the curves, looks the part and shows the evidence of lunacy that fits the description of what he says he wants better than I. However I know I'm more straight forward and probably come with less issues now, and I'm probably more predictable and easier to negotiate/compromise with).

I've seen one very successful Menage a trois (were all 3 parties fancied each other for it's 18 month life) although the aftermath has been hideous. I've seen one very linear one - but at least the women on either side communicated or chose to not be in the same place at the same time. This situation seemed to be in an uncomfortable position though - but I'm looking in on it so what do I know. Perhaps all the signs were wrong and actually both ladies are happy. I have to say for me EUGH why do women put such sleazy blokes at the centre of these things? There must be more to him than meets the eye!

Overall a good party and a relaxing weekend. Shame I'm drowning under paperwork (so done none) at home, but work is picking up and the course is in that mid semester about to get hairy zone I suspect...Car went to auction last week and awaiting results, John Peel Died today - that was a shocker. Lets hope he is being dry and amuzing in another reality somewhere.

I have to say Mark Thomas - nearly got face ache from laughing! Saw him last night at the City Varieties. He is a crazy funny man, and makes me feel like I'm a crap human for not doing more stuff to fix the world. I did have a trauma today as my community head says "use the localist agent" and my business head says "use manningstainton" for trying to find tenants which I'm sure was his fault. And of course I can't ever buy coca cola again. Not that I did very much before - the hangover cure for me is more likely to be pepsi - makes my teeth ache less (and of course non branded products always find favour with me). Also my "I work for Sure Start, improving the lot for families with under 4s" head says "phew - his house is not in his name" after his attempts to use it as collateral which could have rendered children homeless.
Mark Thomas - see him!

Quite full!
This week I have mostly been doing stuff. I have been very excited about getting my new car - sadly the vendors dirty weekend with hubby has prevented me getting it yet - but tomorrow is the big day! I appear to have done a lot of being awake at nights - not certain if I was hungry so work up then started worrying, or if I was fretting in my sleep so woke up. Anyway the result of this was a constructive list writing yesterday morning. I now have a list of the main things I was worrying about and what (if anything) I can do about them. Very constructive, and creates a great illusion of control and "things are in hand" and also has a recognition of what I can't do anything about so worry is unconstructive.
Friday I fell out with the trouser pattern - yes I have finally started to sew the trousers and fell at the 1st hurdle - misunderstood the pattern and failed to put the zip in right. I think I can rectify it but it is going to be at least a week before I can find the time (next week is doing even more stuff week).
Thursday the Alexander lady made me realise I have no concept of what the word slowly means. Which reminds me must do more Alexander homework - you'd think it would be easy to make 20mins a day to lie on the floor giving yourself instructions!
Yesterday I discovered that we are now into the dead season for houseletting - which given I've failed to let the house is very very bad. Have 2 agents looking at it on Wednesday so hopefully the 2 other agents who gave me this info will be at odds with them.
Had a bizarre but ultimately enjoyable evening last night. Watched Leeds win (1st time in 32 years) the Superleague (rugby league - sexy sexy blokes running around a field, unlike all other sports in my view) which was just great - in a pub in town. The pub bit being my ideal venue for this kind of event. Was joined by one of our parties mates wot he plays cricket with, one of whom has recently had a very traumatic split with his lady who happens to be a good friend of the Chap. I have therefore seen her a few times recently and shes coping well with the end of her life as she knew it (I think I have told you about this) all things considered. Well SH (the dumpee) had a bit of a chat about it all despite my "how are you, ignoring the obvious?" greeting. I then had a pleasant enough evening with this crowd until it was time to depart to Wendy House. This lot were off to the HI FI club. Arrive at Wendy House - who do I meet 1st off but the lovely SE who djs (tales of adventures in Bude previously shared) and is best mates with L - the dumped lady. Arrrgh, how weird did it feel?
Wendy house was mighty fine - lots of good music and dancing. Excellent company as JF was out and joined her and various others celebrating some birthdays. When chap is present hang with others - but they were elsewhere in the venue. Saw some of them briefly and they were with others who I cannot for the life of me work out if I have been rejected by (feel I may have been, but may be being over sensitive because chap sets great store by them but hasn't seen much of them recently and has been rumbling about this a tad in a "wots going on" kind of way) . However I was dancing, and didn't get a chance to go say hi to the group, as I was wearing a wig so several people took a while to realise it was me anyway, if they did see me in the distance they would not have necessarily known me. I think I saw chaps ex (who has now moved to London) with them wearing lots of PVC (well small amounts of PVC actually) which did make me have a "well if that's what you are competing with in his minds eye then give up now" moment. I then had an "I'm confused" moment, leading to a "will await developments" moment.
I have a recollection of a conversation about her arrival at his house at new year to collect her new chap (the point at which Chap discovered she was now seeing Mr Polyamorous) dressed in shiny stuff "which she never wore round me". So maybe I have no memories to challenge (not that I'd challenge them, I'd just slip into the "I'm always going to be second best so maybe this isn't the one after all" mode over time). Given other things that have been said it seems surprising that someone who was regarded as being anti has become so pro in an almost "I'll do what it takes to get my man" kind of way. Hence the confusion. Then the realisation that I have insufficient facts so I need to await more before expending more mental effort on it. The joy of a diary - you get this shite so I don't need to think about it any more!

Today I've had exercise, I've not been able to do some things because it's been rainy so couldn't tart up the old car to sell,but done other stuff and done some homework for my course - eughy revelations about self that have been offloaded in the reflective journal so I won't repeat (cross referencing is great) and now to eat chicken and salad and watch the lovely Tom Baker (he's like my dad) for an hour before more homework is achieved. Chap returns tomorrow, sadly no tete a tete possible due to guests but I'll still be pleased to see him, either tomorrow or Tuesday

The chap went off to gen con today. Yesterdays parting was so hasty it feels wrong, and his pain levels making for intimacy issues over the weekend mean that effort will be required not to perceive storm clouds gathering. Not aided by no couple time being in the offing until after the 25th! OH dear.
The course is gathering momentum however there is a lack of commitment this week on the Alexander front - See this is the problem with us youth of today we don't put in the homework to make our investments work properly. Nil gold stars for Iola, must try harder.

After the tragic revelation by IU of the trouser project I tried on the other trousers that have been purchased - they so nearly fit now. (1 inch of belly to tone up) However they are not super shiny so I'm not so enamoured. A realisation (whilst doing the Alexander homework) tonight that I lack the interfacing to be able to complete the trouser project if I don't go out on Friday night puts more spanners in the Saturday evening wearing them plan. Wonder if I fit into the skirt still? Perhaps shiny skirt old purple boots is a combination to go for.

Happy happy revelation the other day (the joys of reading on the bog - chick mags left by housemate are not as bad as usual at the moment, this month is a healthcare one not a fashion one but...) apparently pointy boots with nice heels are making a return - so my "hmm must get some clumpy ugly boots to fit in" thoughts at the rock club last Saturday night may go out the window. Call me old fashioned but I like feminine shoes - boots that look like bike boots were just fine when I rode a bike but I don't any more so why wear them? I don't wear crazy stilletoes, I don't go for strappy sandals, I just like nice shaped shoes with heels that are less than 3" high (which is why I can't find the thigh boots I want - no one wants to do them in a wearable form it's that whole complicated "play" stuff. When I find some I'll have them!)

The secret is out - and how much persecution will the outer experience? That remains to be seen. For weeks now I have had the cloth, for the last 3/4 weeks it's been cut out, I just have to sew the things together - however the fear of it all going wrong has trapped me like a bunny in car headlights. Yesterday I realised I had nothing to wear for next Saturday night Wendy house that had pockets - and my usual pockets will be at Gen con (a trip to butlins for gamers apparently) . Therefore the need to make the PVC trousers was pressing, I may have mentioned this to a drunken IU yesterday - figuring if he was drunk enough to be chatting someone up (it looked so promising, went so wrong) he was too drunk to remember anything I said to him.

Sadly a hungover IU asked me at lunch today how the sewing was coming on. What sewing asks the chap, the trousers she's making response IU. What trousers... And the surprise was blown. Oh how much persecution followed!

NOW I'm told it would be unfair for the trousers so long anticipated (he did give me £20 towards them) to have their inaugural outing without him there. The dilemma is that next Saturday was the incentive to get on and make them, do I do so and just trust no one to mention them so he will never know or do I do the honest thing and find something else to wear? Answers on a post card please.

Must be the time of year or something but I appear to be prone to loosing the will to live this week. Today work was like pulling teeth, I've not had to have a good cry of frustration in the last year but I did today. I hold out little hope of the team building day based on today's performance. Tried to get train tickets on trainline tonight - rather stupidly I'd forgotten (see I work in a children oriented environment so I should really know these things) that we wanted to go to london the 1st weekend of 1/2 term. It is cheaper at 40p a mile to drive to london and back than the train tickets for 2. Scary. have successfully got tickets for my nephew's christening. That's a mercy. Also tried to access some ebanking - what a surprise I have no idea what my login details are. Completely lost the ability to check one account on line because they need to me have random transactions on the account in the last month and I never do so. Ringing the call centre to get new ebanking details made me want to ensure I never have to ring them again. This weird long pauses, clicking in and out of the speaker for the person on the other end of the phone and allsorts was going on. Not quite as irritating as the idiot from Blue Ridge who rang me at work but then he was enough to boil anyone's piss. He wanted me to put him through to my boss without telling me why he was calling. I deal with sales at work until we get to the point of "right John I have reasearched this this and this and reckon this is the best deal can we afford it", so if he was selling something then he was asking for the wrong person. Is it acceptable to put the phone down on someone like this in the workplace the same you would at home?

My lack of will to live does seem to be linked to self frustration rather than anything else. perhaps I should go do some more chores so I'd feel something was achieved today.

Can someone explain to me why Micheal Howard has taken to wearing American Tan fake tan on TV? He now looks like and orange faced queen, I almost prefer his cadavre look. Mr Blair is truely living in the 80s with his DA hairstyle

I want to be the Red queen so words mean what I say they mean. Then AA would not be all sad because I said something at work a couple of weeks ago she's been pondering on. I wish I hadn't used the phrase that she took (I don't remember what my exact words were but they could have been this direct I guess) to be "there are people who feel you talk down to them" Well I know one person does - but then they probably feel the same about me sometimes, although the scope for it is less. bummer, why do I feel the need to encourage others to communicate with each other more effectively - oh yes so they don't get upset and tell me (a third party) then I wouldn't get sucked into negative zones and perhaps I'd stop giving myself permission to be such a whinny pants. Jes yesterday was I moany! Then today I carried on. AA and I have agreed that we need me to stop doing this (well she was very nice and didn't say it was my fault but as she spends all her time in the office in my company it's a fair cop). I left for school at 1 a lot cheerier, and now the only place to whine is here. I'd also like to be red queen so I can beat babies and get away with it as they seem to cause lots of people no end of grief but I don't think that would be conducive to my continuing employment (and it's not like I actually would, just sometimes you wish it were an option).

Ikea furniture - never as easy as it looks is it? My Stolmen clothes storage/doorless wardrobe is still incomplete. It's the twisting and the grappling and the balancing that get me.

Alexander homework - who'd have thought making time to lie down could be so hard?

Today was grim - Newsletters are grim things to create and that's what today was all about. The problem being
1. People have no concept of what to submit
2. When they finally submit their submissions have nothing to do with what was requested
3. People don't understand we take photos to use in our publications not "because they are cute"
4. People won't get permission to use photos unless beaten
5. People tell me when asked to get permission that they won't be able to rather than get a form completed saying "I refuse" so I keep trying to get permissions.
6. People complain because the newsletter isn't out yet
7. The boss wants more tabloid stylie then gives me a 400 word essay to put as his bit on the front
8. I'm bored of newsletters, I've done 3 that got nice comments and I have lost interest as there's only the above dull stuff to do. Edit peoples drivel into something short and snappy - and lets face it short and snappy is not my preferred writing style now is it....

However had a laugh at the old family planning clinic: The old "well working for Sure Start don't half put you off having kids" chestnut was wheeled out "afterall, no one ever comes in and says "my kids were lovely this weekend, they did..." They just tell you the horror stories". Poor nurse was stressed as there was no doctor available so having a simple client like me with a no questions but I'm happy to go at your pace kind of attitude made for an easy visit.

The joy of appointment targets at the doctors makes getting one is so tricky I don't bother anymore, just go to the clinic elsewhere once every 6 months. I hate having to agree with the Tories about anything but these kind of targets suck. The target is "no one waits more than 48 hours to see a doctor" so if we don't let anyone make an appointment more than 48 hours away, but everyone has to make an appointment we will have excellent statistics for this. Take away the target and I bet my surgery returns to the turn up and wait system we had that was so good.

My housemate got home after an evening teaching sociology in lovely Leeds 14 with evidence of a universally bad Monday. Apparently her students informed her that Gays/Lesbians should not be allowed to bring up kids as the kids will be psychologically damaged by it. No one earning less than £30,000 a year should be allowed to have more than 1 child. If they do it should be taken into care. Abortion should be illegal unless the woman is raped, anywhere in the world. Community responsibility for kids is completely wrong. This is one of the areas of Leeds with some of the worst poverty pockets... As she said "they are going to love New Right" however when "this is a bit left wing" was used as a descriptor of something the comment "that's as bad as feminism isn't it?" was passed. I don't think I'll be hanging with the blue team yet then! (are they Tory blue or UKIP pink I wonder, perhaps there's more than a flash of BNP shading ...)

Hmm fortnight no blog. That'll be doing stuff I guess. Today is the 2nd of October 2004. 17 years ago today I moved to Leeds. This is quite a long time - nearly half my life now. What is most disturbing is the whole "what have I been doing for most of that time?" thing - since all the weddings I thought I went to a few years back turn out to be a lot of years back I think someone has just stolen my memories. that or I blocked them out because I wasn't so keen on them anymore. That would be me stealing my memories - Zaphod Beddlebrox syndrome. "some bastards been messing with my brain and they left their initials - ZB" etc etc. Tonight I don't feel like celebrating however - I have failed to do anything I should have done so will retire, try to sleep through next doors party and get up really early tomorrow (perhaps play some loud music...) and get everything done when I feel happier....

so what have I done in the last 10 days? Well I've been to the pub a few times, I've been to Pilates, I've been to the Alexander technique lady and I've started my Post grad Certificate in Management course. We have to do a reflective journal for that. I'm awfully tempted to blog it but part of me says that would be very sad. However it would make entries rather easy to do...

Pilates - the jury is out, doesn't really seem to be like anything, not really exercise, better than Yoga in the class length but hard to say if I'm getting it right. Also the Alexander lady says that the two don't sit so well together and a class atn 12.15 or 1pm on a Saturday doesn't really do much for the progress of weekends. Will give it another week I think and decide

Alexander Technique. Now this is cool - I get lying down homework! Sadly week 2 and I was told I shouldn't be listening to the radio for my lying down homework, but I've been good and doing it most days. Alexander Technique is a "fix your posture" thing and I most definitely need to fix mine (she says slumped over her keyboard) however the hip and soles of the feet are significantly less uncomfortable these days.... mulcho pindy motivation to do the lying down homework despite the tedium of it being in silence. "don't do the do do the don't" is going to be very tricky - instructing muscles to do things without consciously doing it is just downright weird.

Cert in Management - induction was not so cool as I told you. The first classes were not as inspiring as one could wish. I forget that University lecturers don't really get taught how to teach so they really don't engage you in the same way at my PGCE tutors did, but perhaps we were just very scary to them and next week they will improve. The marketing guy seemed like a terrified bunny with a sainsburies and tescos fixation, but perhaps its the fact that no one has a marketing background that is the problem. The managing for individual effectiveness lady was just thrown by not having working powerpoint. Lets hope she is happier next week. She spent too long making the assignment seem scary because we don't have the assessement criteria yet so everyone who's been out of education for a long time was letting their imaginations run riot. We have to do a reflective journal for her.... Thankfully the data guy is someone I've met before and has a very entertaining lecture style so hopefully we will all stay awake till 9 at night.

Saw Sky Captain America last night - very amusing stuff. I've not actually watched a film in that retro sepia kind of finish (can't remember the name of the genre, chap said it but I forget) and it does seem very larger than life - the red lipstick on Polly stood out against the sepia so the 1 whole scene were continuity forgot it was really really bizarre - chap didn't notice, so clearly his "I don't like makeup" is the usual level of tosh for statements like that. If he really didn't like makeup he'd have so noticed it I reckon. Then went to the pub with group of chaps mates who refer to themselves as "the collective" Initially I didn't realise this was just what their forum was called (not being a forum using kind of girl) so had assumed it was another of those elitist things that groups of people do to exclude others, but it was all very sociable, if a bit shouty.

Perhaps I thought it was being elitist because some of them do that elitist role player thingy were they refuse to talk to you about a hobby that they define themselves by. Apparently I have been mistaken all these years. Table top roleplayers are not stuck up elitists who look down on everyone else, which was the impression I always got because they wouldn't tell me about their hobby. NO! They are embarrassed and shy about it. This seems weird to me, I don't see what there is to be shy and embarrassed about, but then I always thought it was about having a group of people who effectively did method acting one evening a week and explored a story, which seemed pretty cool to me. I don't have the attention span to do it week after week for years, but find it admirable that some people do. However I guess that since this is deduced from what little I could glean and 2 sessions years ago were I got to join in with some guys I knew perhaps my impression is wrong.

I have been having a war with politics again. Trying to make some sense of the Labour party conference. Really didn't try very hard with the old Lib dem one - but perhaps I should have. I do get the feeling that there's a lot of media whipping up into a frenzy going on. I say Mr Blair and Mr Brown as a team is good so why speculate so much. Mr Brown is a dour Scot who's canny , Mr Blair is a charismatic figurehead and the end result is a team who strike me as getting things done in a mid/long term kind of way that is far healthier for any nation than the radical changes of say Pol Pot. Lots of people seem to have problems with the idea of no one clear figurehead - but team management is the big thing in industry, families are no longer run by one person but all the adults in the household so it is logical to me that government should move the same way. If you want to return to a dicatorial patriarchal society then can you go somewhere else please.

Lets hope they get back in for a 3rd term and get things sufficiently entrenched that the excesses of the blues or the oranges (orange is the new blue I believe after Hartlepool) do not throw us into a spin of grimness of 1980s proportions. I remember a lot of unemployment and lack of hope around as a child, a lot of low pay and lack of hope in the early 90s and since 1997 things have definately been rosier for me and my peers. This is partly a late 20s early 30s thing and partly, I suspect, the powers that be.