Saturday, June 03, 2006
cycling
Haven't been here for a while! Haven't even been doing my weekly maintenance sheets for a while which isn't so good, however must do one for this week because I think I hit every tick box, despite being rather poorly (perhaps because of). This has been the week where the spring turns to summer, the spring having been very dissappointing round here. I've had a monster cold - lucky the chap was very busy so didn't notice and I could stay in, watch videos, get sucked into big brother (oh the shame) and read some Dorothy Lowe. Yes there have been warning bells again, after the last dismal post I bottomed out came back up for January gently slipped again as i realised I should be applying for jobs but wasn't etc etc. This weekend has "apply for 3 jobs" written across it because I fluffed an interview last friday because I've not had one for so long (primarily) silly me.
The chap and I had major discussions to no conclusion 10 days ago. I think at the moment we are in a nasty place. He's not as in love with me as he was but doesn't want to say so, yet he used to assume that at some point in the future we would live together, now he's all "I don't think I ever want to live with someone again" just after getting a lodger? that makes no sense! I read that as a clear "I'm not so sure we have a long term future" in denial.
I am constantly looking for signs that he's doing the same thing as last year and getting himself in a knot about the ex which I have to say is a definite Not on for me (I see no reason to spend the rest of my life knowing I'm not as good as the ex) but of course am I creating this problem by looking for it? Oh tis tricksy being a human! The tangled webs we weave. Bizarrely I'm feeling a bit "inevitable slide into oblivion for this relationship" and not sure if I care - so am I being the shitty one here? I'd like to feel it matters but I also know how much I want a new job, in a bizarre fear new job so fail to apply enough, so dont know if I'm putting myself in a "dump boyfriend is easier than getting new job" place Bah I am my own worst enemy. Well I feel better having written that down!
The chap and I had major discussions to no conclusion 10 days ago. I think at the moment we are in a nasty place. He's not as in love with me as he was but doesn't want to say so, yet he used to assume that at some point in the future we would live together, now he's all "I don't think I ever want to live with someone again" just after getting a lodger? that makes no sense! I read that as a clear "I'm not so sure we have a long term future" in denial.
I am constantly looking for signs that he's doing the same thing as last year and getting himself in a knot about the ex which I have to say is a definite Not on for me (I see no reason to spend the rest of my life knowing I'm not as good as the ex) but of course am I creating this problem by looking for it? Oh tis tricksy being a human! The tangled webs we weave. Bizarrely I'm feeling a bit "inevitable slide into oblivion for this relationship" and not sure if I care - so am I being the shitty one here? I'd like to feel it matters but I also know how much I want a new job, in a bizarre fear new job so fail to apply enough, so dont know if I'm putting myself in a "dump boyfriend is easier than getting new job" place Bah I am my own worst enemy. Well I feel better having written that down!
