Monday, July 25, 2005
whining...
Well because it's what this is for!
This weekend I went to a family wedding. Depending on your view point family weddings can be
GRRRREAT
Dire
Diabolical
Tollerable
Delightful
OK
etc
I have traumas about family weddings. Over the last year I have come to realise it's family ones more than friends ones, having now got to a stage where the only people I know socially getting married are doing it because it'll enhance both parties lives. In my younger years I did go to weddings where it was something only one party wanted really, or where family pressure on the couple had paid off and one or two were made awful for me by the behaviour of guests (who I'd ended up being peacemaker with). Well this period is over in my social life however family weddings appear to have a different set of issues.
I don't really know my family very well - they are, to me, mostly freaks and weirdos, they are significantly wealthier than me, have different values (political, financial and spiritual) and our lives just don't really overlap. They are generally more confident, they tend to be "I'm right, you will learn" in their communication style and they are mostly people of faith. I have realised this weekend I suffer from various reactions to all this including, to be honest, jealousy. I am profoundly jealouse of people of faith - their lives just seem so much simpler. Things go bad - you have an outside force to blame. Things are tough? you can seek support externally, you can ponder stuff for hours in your prayer exchanges you have a fabulous crutch. And best of all you "know" it's working for you, not just hope but know. I don't have this and well I'm jealous, I wish I could be that sure of something.
So not knowing my family well, knowing how important it is to them that you do your bit, trying to comply out of respect for them means that I feel the pressure of attendance on receipt of invites. I go, I generally don't know the couple well enough and the company at the whole thing is strange. I don't slot in anywhere - my family only invite married couples to weddings and so I'm always invited as a single person (I notice my brother gets a couple invite, although I tended not to when I was co-habiting). I get parked on a table with strangers for the meal and that's OK, but the rest of the time is perplexing.
Anyway this one is the same as usual, I dread it but do my duty, my sister had a very good go at me about my prewedding nerves this time. I try to explain, but by coming up with a load of tosh that could be explainations (you can't really say you hate family weddings to family can you?) anyway she tells me "you set too much store by your attendance" (yes it's true I do worry that I'm going to do something that will be very embarrassing and spoil things) but of course if only I'd known! I don't actually need to know and she now has given me the go ahead not to go! it doesn't really matter does it? I can just not go to weddings, afterall my individual attendance is irrelevant - it's only the couple getting married that counts. Lets face it do you every speak to them or their parents? no of course not, they are always too busy talking to the people they know well and who are involved. So Yeh go me, I never have to attend a family wedding again! The irritation of my mother is the only thing making me go in the first place but since my sister got married she must know. Despite the gloom about a wasted weekend then, there is a silver lining. No more weddings for me where the couple are not good friends.
This weekend I went to a family wedding. Depending on your view point family weddings can be
GRRRREAT
Dire
Diabolical
Tollerable
Delightful
OK
etc
I have traumas about family weddings. Over the last year I have come to realise it's family ones more than friends ones, having now got to a stage where the only people I know socially getting married are doing it because it'll enhance both parties lives. In my younger years I did go to weddings where it was something only one party wanted really, or where family pressure on the couple had paid off and one or two were made awful for me by the behaviour of guests (who I'd ended up being peacemaker with). Well this period is over in my social life however family weddings appear to have a different set of issues.
I don't really know my family very well - they are, to me, mostly freaks and weirdos, they are significantly wealthier than me, have different values (political, financial and spiritual) and our lives just don't really overlap. They are generally more confident, they tend to be "I'm right, you will learn" in their communication style and they are mostly people of faith. I have realised this weekend I suffer from various reactions to all this including, to be honest, jealousy. I am profoundly jealouse of people of faith - their lives just seem so much simpler. Things go bad - you have an outside force to blame. Things are tough? you can seek support externally, you can ponder stuff for hours in your prayer exchanges you have a fabulous crutch. And best of all you "know" it's working for you, not just hope but know. I don't have this and well I'm jealous, I wish I could be that sure of something.
So not knowing my family well, knowing how important it is to them that you do your bit, trying to comply out of respect for them means that I feel the pressure of attendance on receipt of invites. I go, I generally don't know the couple well enough and the company at the whole thing is strange. I don't slot in anywhere - my family only invite married couples to weddings and so I'm always invited as a single person (I notice my brother gets a couple invite, although I tended not to when I was co-habiting). I get parked on a table with strangers for the meal and that's OK, but the rest of the time is perplexing.
Anyway this one is the same as usual, I dread it but do my duty, my sister had a very good go at me about my prewedding nerves this time. I try to explain, but by coming up with a load of tosh that could be explainations (you can't really say you hate family weddings to family can you?) anyway she tells me "you set too much store by your attendance" (yes it's true I do worry that I'm going to do something that will be very embarrassing and spoil things) but of course if only I'd known! I don't actually need to know and she now has given me the go ahead not to go! it doesn't really matter does it? I can just not go to weddings, afterall my individual attendance is irrelevant - it's only the couple getting married that counts. Lets face it do you every speak to them or their parents? no of course not, they are always too busy talking to the people they know well and who are involved. So Yeh go me, I never have to attend a family wedding again! The irritation of my mother is the only thing making me go in the first place but since my sister got married she must know. Despite the gloom about a wasted weekend then, there is a silver lining. No more weddings for me where the couple are not good friends.
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Is this unreasonable?
Yesterday I went to a wedding reception where the bloke's ex was one of the best ladies. Now bloke wasn't with us as bloke was doing something else that evening. It was a fine wedding reception and I had a jolly good time I hasten to add, however there was some cause for concern that interfered with my sleep last night. Now for clarity we have just had a bit of a discussion recently - I was concerned about a few things - raised them and his responses indicated that yes, he had been pondering about the ex rather a lot recently because of stuff and why they had split up, not in a "I wish I was with her" way but a "why did it go wrong" way (apparently) so I took this on the chin, pointed out that he probably should have been a bit more honest about why we were having a distant patch, and communication was to be improved. However there had been little indication of external discussions so I figured it was not very catastrophic.
The lovely C (the ex) was discussing livejournal with another of our friends who is about to be back online after a move to the depths of Wales. She was encouraging him to sign up - he in his drunken state was a bit "well I'll need to know the addresses of people" etc. So we had the well... go to livejournal.com and create an account then most of your mates have dead obvious lj names and if you get one just look on the friends list, you will find all others pretty rapidly. Then the lovely C said "but I'm not on M's list anymore, do you know why?" looking at me and blokes best mate. G, best mate, was remarkably uncomfortable then clearly had a sod it moment and it became apparent that bloke had had long, and to G slightly bizarre (and being good friends with C not very comfortable, and knowing me not very comfortable) converstions recently - that we all he said, no more detail given as G is discrete and sensible. Recently C has started seeing someone new and mentioned this on her livejournal (I don't know her so don't read it so was unaware of this) and it was shortly after this that the removal of mates was made so she reasonably assumed there was probably a link. As bloke left her (and she was devatated at the time) and the break up was 2 years ago it seems a bit off that he's still being like this to me.
I wonder how bloke would feel if the boot was on the other foot - if I was still mulling over a previous relationship. I am beginning to wonder if I am a bit of a mug - he is so earthshatteringly thoughtless of others feelings yet so concerned that people aren't hurt in the general run of things. He claims I am not the rebound relationship, but I really do wonder. Do I see if this time it all settles down and if it ever flares up again take the view self preseravation is bail and take the pain now, not in years to come or should I just conclude that he's too messed up to every get his head in order, see things from someone elses perspective and bail. or do I just point out that if he is chewing stuff over with G that is rather tricky when he does get to the point of telling me about it can he mention he's chewed it over with G so I don't get the massive feeling of exclusion that I had last night, because inevitably things do come out like this?
Intimate Relationships - they are really are the least satisfactory part of life sometimes
The lovely C (the ex) was discussing livejournal with another of our friends who is about to be back online after a move to the depths of Wales. She was encouraging him to sign up - he in his drunken state was a bit "well I'll need to know the addresses of people" etc. So we had the well... go to livejournal.com and create an account then most of your mates have dead obvious lj names and if you get one just look on the friends list, you will find all others pretty rapidly. Then the lovely C said "but I'm not on M's list anymore, do you know why?" looking at me and blokes best mate. G, best mate, was remarkably uncomfortable then clearly had a sod it moment and it became apparent that bloke had had long, and to G slightly bizarre (and being good friends with C not very comfortable, and knowing me not very comfortable) converstions recently - that we all he said, no more detail given as G is discrete and sensible. Recently C has started seeing someone new and mentioned this on her livejournal (I don't know her so don't read it so was unaware of this) and it was shortly after this that the removal of mates was made so she reasonably assumed there was probably a link. As bloke left her (and she was devatated at the time) and the break up was 2 years ago it seems a bit off that he's still being like this to me.
I wonder how bloke would feel if the boot was on the other foot - if I was still mulling over a previous relationship. I am beginning to wonder if I am a bit of a mug - he is so earthshatteringly thoughtless of others feelings yet so concerned that people aren't hurt in the general run of things. He claims I am not the rebound relationship, but I really do wonder. Do I see if this time it all settles down and if it ever flares up again take the view self preseravation is bail and take the pain now, not in years to come or should I just conclude that he's too messed up to every get his head in order, see things from someone elses perspective and bail. or do I just point out that if he is chewing stuff over with G that is rather tricky when he does get to the point of telling me about it can he mention he's chewed it over with G so I don't get the massive feeling of exclusion that I had last night, because inevitably things do come out like this?
Intimate Relationships - they are really are the least satisfactory part of life sometimes
