Iola's Idiocy

As anticipated the festival was less scary than I feared. I can't imagine going to one as a punter (your bogs euch, nowhere to sit in chairs, so much expense, I just don't love my music enough to spend that much money to do nothing but listen to bands for 3 days) but as a worker it was OK. I spent very little, I had something to do for 6 hours a day, I had chairs to sit in and unlimited cups of tea when I wasn't watching bands at other times. I got 1 free meal a day and 2 free pints, and raised a chunk of money for GMB - go the Workers Beer People. I really enjoyed listening to the Coral and Killer as I worked - but it's not like these bands put on much of a stage show (Iron maiden now they tried hard to entertain in true '80s rock star stylie, but I really don't engage with all the "cumon join in clap yer hands and sing it back to me" stuff so I wasn't distressed to miss that) so hearing it was pretty much what I wanted. I loved the Tears: that was in a marque not an arena so I felt part of it - in an enclosed space, sound quality was good, light show and the performer near enough to see, rather than watch on a big screen, and boy what a performer. All in all a good experience, but not one I'm likely to want to do on a regular basis.

And the mood? Well it has lifted, still suffering low confidence (found a way to avoid doing the socialising with strangers thing I had planned to do yesterday evening, did lots of chores however and felt purposeful) but distinctly improving, I think more stuff for Iola and less stuff to fit in is the way to go.

Had a complete melt down on the person stuff front in and around the weekend - there's been a saga of misunderstanding going on, I've been hearing stuff on the grapevine about someone being cross with me, but I don't think it was really to do with me that much. It did mean that I experienced being speechless with rage, I had a massive relationship crisis, then realised that if you try to communicate via text it's all likely to get balls up so I gently came down off the ceiling. Once the matter was discussed it transpired that things were OK but the lesson is now learned - never talk to bloke via text.

Hmmm it would appear that the stormclouds of doom, gloom and general malaise are still hanging over this part of leeds 6. the mood shifted a little then resettled on its haunches clearly comfortable in it's repose. Sadly I am not comfortable at all, the mental sensation agravated by a very stiff back aquired during an aerobics class yesterday. deepest joy, just what you want to go camping with, especially camping in the unknown and somewhat scary environment of a festival. Yeh I know festival exciting, thrilling joy jumping rah rah rah, but 3 stages, not got big group of mates, but working a shift a day to get in for free. I thought this was a good idea why? completely out of my safety zone (anyone spot a connection between misery and anticipated danger spots? Just 'cause you know your irrational doesn't change the situation). I so want it to be monday.

Today I am fundamentally broken. Not physically but clearly mentally. Periodically (and I suspect yes there is a link) I have blue days, sometimes more sometimes less and there is a clear pattern to them, however it seems to be shifting slightly and the last couple of months they've been more pronounced. Today however has been cataclysmic. When you have suicidal thoughts, which I suspect everyone does from time to time, you know you aren't that serious, but when you can't shake them all day, and you get to the mental conversation that is basically "well would inconvenience a whole bunch of people, and you wouldn't want to upset anyone else would you?" then you really know your head is broken. Why is it possible to be so logical and rational on one hand and so totatlly self destructive on the other?

Oh I know, tomorrow I'll be OK, and today I have cleaned 2 rooms in the house and had a couple of real howler type crying fits. I haven't been sitting rocking all day (although I have wasted a significant amount of time) and I was rather shocked that going to the gym (which I have been very bad at recently and therefore was blaming a lack of exerciese) didn't make the world a better place but why WHY can you get to this age and still be stuck in the pattern of a teenager? Why don't I seem to be able to find anything to light my fire enough to do anything about it? I have this overwhelming guilt/frustration/something I can't describe about wanting to contribute in some postive way to the future of humanity but I can't work out what it is. It's times like these I really wish I was a person of faith, to have something external to "know" you can turn to and whilst the way may be hidden, if you continue applying the principles you have been given it will all be worthwhile. Ba I feel like the little cog that got left in the grand design, but no one remembered it wasn't serving any purpose, and try as it might it can't move that little bit to contibute some effort to the whole.

I have of course let someone down due to my gloom - I have failed to give them a lift to a party for some old friends and aquaintances. I suspect this party was some kind of trigger, that whole grieving for times past, as I realise that they may have been friends but circumstances change and they are aquaintances now, and I worry that this is the way of it for ever. I just don't seem to have a slot that I fit in life at the moment and when the gloom comes down you really need a slot because if all the people go and I loose the whole "inconvenience people I know" thing one day the gloomy day will be a lot more harmful: I worry that the threat of getting it wrong will be the only thing between me and stupidity. Oh such a foolish child, if I would just get on top of the small stuff, which is not beyond the bounds of reason, then I suspect the big stuff would be entirely managable...

Why is it when other people get back from holiday they have work horrors to deal with but me - I have a modicum of tedium to deal with that is marginnally more than any other day but in now way does it cause the angst that normal people have. Hmmm I so need a new job!
Holiday was not at all bad - a catalogue of drunkenness exists on my lj regarding it but overall it was not devastated by the death of Robin Cook, nor enhanced by the purchase of the sun purely because they had a front page of "see victor meldrew in the stars" (I also bought the Grauniad, it's OK I haven't gone mental). I am definately passed the days of finding the claustraphobia copeable (hence the drunkeness) but there was plenty tow path and lock action for me.
Wedding from hell was attended on the Friday - sorry but it was, even for a wedding loather such as myself, particularly bad. The bride clearly enjoyed herself, wonder if the divorce will be as much fun?
Outlaws sufferable - chap doesn't exactly ease the situation, if you behave like a bolshy git you get treated like one...Not all his fault: when someone is prone to twittering anyway so they "decide" why you are being boshy, then push you into a corner where your behaviour becomes warrented.
Lovely time with the delightful V and S - one of the most fabulous pairs and 2 of the mose fabulous individuals I have met in the last year I have to confess. Not often you can ramble accross feminism, equality (or not) issues, regeneration and other such things so freely in friendly discussion for so long.
Beautiful journey from Bristol to Leeds, then mad rushing to get stuff sorted for the Chaps trip to BUPA. See when the NHS say to you "hey you are getting towards the end of the deadline for your hearnia op, we are going to farm you out to BUPA" - do not thing "joy, private healthcare, must be better than the NHS, how else could people justify paying in tax then paying again?" think "bummer, get to experience all that is adequate with the NHS without the customer care, and information supply". I will continue to do my level best to avoid ill health as it just sucks, and if I do get ill see me at the NHS venue near me...

Not a common phenomena I've been lead to believe but something I frequently get. Not having been brought up with holidays my early "holidays" (ie university years) were going back to the parental home for a few days/weeks and given my desire to leave home in the first place they didn't set a good example! Now I am older I am still very poor at organising holidays for myself, it just doesn't occur to me, so for many years I was organised into going on a canal boat holiday with some friends. This was good, a week or 2 drifting along, running around doing locks, some involvement in the preparation, knowing who you were going to be away with and knowing there was a mix of friends and new people. The last couple however have been less so. I distinctly remember feeling after the last time (2 years ago) I was of the "that's been my last boat trip" mentality, I'd had some time off due to stress 18 months previously and didn't enjoy the close proximity so much, also found the company a bit jaded - old friendships hadn't weathered so well in the intervening years.

Anyway this year my best beloved expressed a strong desire to go on the boat trip that was again being organised, having not been before, but been on canal holidays a lot in his mid teens. I thought "well we can give it a go" and agreed. Now this time the organiser has excluded everyone from the plans, I have not really got a clear idea who I am going on holiday with, but I'm not very keen on at least one couple (I don't see them often, and I don't know her at all, saw them last night however and felt uncomfortable) I know are going. I love looking forward to things - this has been denied, I feel it's very chaotic and have felt the dread build for a week. I feel intense dislike of the organiser, who when rung makes things worse by being "la la la I'm having a great time, already on a boat, I don't really care about your arrangements to meet up with us on Saturday, as long as it fits my plans". Other than the chap I can only think of 2 people who are going who I actively like, but then I'm not convinced I know who all exactly is going, which makes it worse, because I've got the feeling that there are no new people included in that selection. (12 of us in total I believe). My best beloved has emailed various stuff over the last few days, I have to leave a day early because of a wedding (that I think is doomed, rule one, never go to weddings you don't believe in) and I'm generally very unhappy. The weekend after the boat was to be spent with partner, in Bristol, without other people, now his parents are going to be there, and that's another dread feature - dad ok, mum drives me nuts. Obviously I can't express this to anyone I know as they will offer a range of "don't be silly, it'll be fine" to "not a lot I can say" advice which of course really hightens the sense of isolation. I hope that all will be well in the end. I'm feeling very sick at the moment, hope that will pass by the end of Saturday.

Now I know I get holiday fear, but this does feel like its a new league. I have a great sense of "you only have yourself to blame" which really doesn't help me much, and what I'd really like to do right now is say "bollox the lot of you, I'll scrap my £170 and stay here on my own for a week, in my house reading books, going for walks, applying for new jobs and doing the books for Shaw estates" sadly I can't do that as chap needs lift. Can't tell chap - as he will worry and I'll then feel worse and it'll spoil his holiday.

Makes mental note: don't get pressurised into going on holiday with these people again. As it's written hopefully I won't forget this time and make the same mistake again. Next year it's holiday on my own or with people I have arranged directly with who I know I like. I fancy ruins in Crete/Malta I think...Certainly a Doing stuff holiday