Iola's Idiocy

Today I am fundamentally broken. Not physically but clearly mentally. Periodically (and I suspect yes there is a link) I have blue days, sometimes more sometimes less and there is a clear pattern to them, however it seems to be shifting slightly and the last couple of months they've been more pronounced. Today however has been cataclysmic. When you have suicidal thoughts, which I suspect everyone does from time to time, you know you aren't that serious, but when you can't shake them all day, and you get to the mental conversation that is basically "well would inconvenience a whole bunch of people, and you wouldn't want to upset anyone else would you?" then you really know your head is broken. Why is it possible to be so logical and rational on one hand and so totatlly self destructive on the other?

Oh I know, tomorrow I'll be OK, and today I have cleaned 2 rooms in the house and had a couple of real howler type crying fits. I haven't been sitting rocking all day (although I have wasted a significant amount of time) and I was rather shocked that going to the gym (which I have been very bad at recently and therefore was blaming a lack of exerciese) didn't make the world a better place but why WHY can you get to this age and still be stuck in the pattern of a teenager? Why don't I seem to be able to find anything to light my fire enough to do anything about it? I have this overwhelming guilt/frustration/something I can't describe about wanting to contribute in some postive way to the future of humanity but I can't work out what it is. It's times like these I really wish I was a person of faith, to have something external to "know" you can turn to and whilst the way may be hidden, if you continue applying the principles you have been given it will all be worthwhile. Ba I feel like the little cog that got left in the grand design, but no one remembered it wasn't serving any purpose, and try as it might it can't move that little bit to contibute some effort to the whole.

I have of course let someone down due to my gloom - I have failed to give them a lift to a party for some old friends and aquaintances. I suspect this party was some kind of trigger, that whole grieving for times past, as I realise that they may have been friends but circumstances change and they are aquaintances now, and I worry that this is the way of it for ever. I just don't seem to have a slot that I fit in life at the moment and when the gloom comes down you really need a slot because if all the people go and I loose the whole "inconvenience people I know" thing one day the gloomy day will be a lot more harmful: I worry that the threat of getting it wrong will be the only thing between me and stupidity. Oh such a foolish child, if I would just get on top of the small stuff, which is not beyond the bounds of reason, then I suspect the big stuff would be entirely managable...