Friday, April 01, 2005
Whining on
Today I was thinking, well I've been doing it a bit recently. a while ago I started a live journal. I have friends with livejournals and so I thought it made sense. Now I have found the difficulty of knowing people definitely read stuff you blog. YOu start to write for the audience, you think "will they be interested? will they think I'm wierd etc" Now my blog I treat more as a diary BUT if I'm writting in my LJ I can't be arsed to blog. However the blog and lj serve different purposes. Perhaps I wondered should I go back to the diary on paper option? would that be better. Fundamentally it's no good as I type so much faster than I write but a word diary didn't work either. Rarg the novelty of every thing wears off so quickly, I'm such a fickle child.
Why do I need a diary anyway. well today I need one because
1. I'm bored of me being sad
2. I'm sad because I'm suffering from round tuits
3. I need to get on with my assignments but they are "applying what you are learning to the workplace" I'm really really not engaged with my workplace. I want to go job hunting but I won't allow me to job hunt until I've finished the assignments. I have these thoughts rattling around in my head all day and i need to express them. Hence the diary need. However if I think anyone else is reading it we have the 3 month rule kicking in. ie if you have been whining for 3 months either shut up or look for a job. If the writing is read it's like a whine not a brain sorting process. At least I have no identified the problem is my determination to "not start anything till I've done my assignments" hence I'm bored with myself.
4. I realised I have no hobbies. most people seem to be engaged in some interest or another to some depth. I'm not really. I like ot know stuff, I like to watch films go to the cinema, the theatre, the pub, I try to keep a grip of the news, keep up to date with where the political parties are etc but I'm just not enthralled by anything. This is great when I'm in company as I can be interested in whatever but I'm starting to feel maybe my life is lacking - all these people I meet who are so interesting, all seem to have a passion for something, and will only form superficial links with me because I just don't have the indepth knowledge. but there's just nothing that makes me desperately seek it. Sadly I'm so work/assignment focused (without actually doing the reading for them) that I tend to only look at serious stuff and then I get into an increasing cycle of frustration. End result - I feel rather sad rather a lot of the time. There's an impatience, a sense of "gotta move on gotta move on" all the time. I also appear to only think in terms of "how would I share this with other people" That doesn't seem very good to me, but my brain works in conversations with others to engage with things. Sadly the others that have the less newsy interests are not people I'm engaging with right now. Oh whiny whiny whiny. At least that's off my chest now. I wonder - will I manage to do much reading this weekend and start to move forward to the achieving coursework status that is so desperately required?
One thing I have now recognised is that there is a recurrent theme in my life - formal study makes me unhappy. Makes mental note - things tend to interest me more when I'm not going to have to write an assingment on them. Even though I know I'm actually interested in the stuff I'm studying I just don't seem to be able to get on with it because I'm having to do it, always feeling there's something more interesting over there. Focused. not a word that applies to me.
Why do I need a diary anyway. well today I need one because
1. I'm bored of me being sad
2. I'm sad because I'm suffering from round tuits
3. I need to get on with my assignments but they are "applying what you are learning to the workplace" I'm really really not engaged with my workplace. I want to go job hunting but I won't allow me to job hunt until I've finished the assignments. I have these thoughts rattling around in my head all day and i need to express them. Hence the diary need. However if I think anyone else is reading it we have the 3 month rule kicking in. ie if you have been whining for 3 months either shut up or look for a job. If the writing is read it's like a whine not a brain sorting process. At least I have no identified the problem is my determination to "not start anything till I've done my assignments" hence I'm bored with myself.
4. I realised I have no hobbies. most people seem to be engaged in some interest or another to some depth. I'm not really. I like ot know stuff, I like to watch films go to the cinema, the theatre, the pub, I try to keep a grip of the news, keep up to date with where the political parties are etc but I'm just not enthralled by anything. This is great when I'm in company as I can be interested in whatever but I'm starting to feel maybe my life is lacking - all these people I meet who are so interesting, all seem to have a passion for something, and will only form superficial links with me because I just don't have the indepth knowledge. but there's just nothing that makes me desperately seek it. Sadly I'm so work/assignment focused (without actually doing the reading for them) that I tend to only look at serious stuff and then I get into an increasing cycle of frustration. End result - I feel rather sad rather a lot of the time. There's an impatience, a sense of "gotta move on gotta move on" all the time. I also appear to only think in terms of "how would I share this with other people" That doesn't seem very good to me, but my brain works in conversations with others to engage with things. Sadly the others that have the less newsy interests are not people I'm engaging with right now. Oh whiny whiny whiny. At least that's off my chest now. I wonder - will I manage to do much reading this weekend and start to move forward to the achieving coursework status that is so desperately required?
One thing I have now recognised is that there is a recurrent theme in my life - formal study makes me unhappy. Makes mental note - things tend to interest me more when I'm not going to have to write an assingment on them. Even though I know I'm actually interested in the stuff I'm studying I just don't seem to be able to get on with it because I'm having to do it, always feeling there's something more interesting over there. Focused. not a word that applies to me.
// posted by Bitvacuous @ 6:07 pm 
