Iola's Idiocy

Not a common phenomena I've been lead to believe but something I frequently get. Not having been brought up with holidays my early "holidays" (ie university years) were going back to the parental home for a few days/weeks and given my desire to leave home in the first place they didn't set a good example! Now I am older I am still very poor at organising holidays for myself, it just doesn't occur to me, so for many years I was organised into going on a canal boat holiday with some friends. This was good, a week or 2 drifting along, running around doing locks, some involvement in the preparation, knowing who you were going to be away with and knowing there was a mix of friends and new people. The last couple however have been less so. I distinctly remember feeling after the last time (2 years ago) I was of the "that's been my last boat trip" mentality, I'd had some time off due to stress 18 months previously and didn't enjoy the close proximity so much, also found the company a bit jaded - old friendships hadn't weathered so well in the intervening years.

Anyway this year my best beloved expressed a strong desire to go on the boat trip that was again being organised, having not been before, but been on canal holidays a lot in his mid teens. I thought "well we can give it a go" and agreed. Now this time the organiser has excluded everyone from the plans, I have not really got a clear idea who I am going on holiday with, but I'm not very keen on at least one couple (I don't see them often, and I don't know her at all, saw them last night however and felt uncomfortable) I know are going. I love looking forward to things - this has been denied, I feel it's very chaotic and have felt the dread build for a week. I feel intense dislike of the organiser, who when rung makes things worse by being "la la la I'm having a great time, already on a boat, I don't really care about your arrangements to meet up with us on Saturday, as long as it fits my plans". Other than the chap I can only think of 2 people who are going who I actively like, but then I'm not convinced I know who all exactly is going, which makes it worse, because I've got the feeling that there are no new people included in that selection. (12 of us in total I believe). My best beloved has emailed various stuff over the last few days, I have to leave a day early because of a wedding (that I think is doomed, rule one, never go to weddings you don't believe in) and I'm generally very unhappy. The weekend after the boat was to be spent with partner, in Bristol, without other people, now his parents are going to be there, and that's another dread feature - dad ok, mum drives me nuts. Obviously I can't express this to anyone I know as they will offer a range of "don't be silly, it'll be fine" to "not a lot I can say" advice which of course really hightens the sense of isolation. I hope that all will be well in the end. I'm feeling very sick at the moment, hope that will pass by the end of Saturday.

Now I know I get holiday fear, but this does feel like its a new league. I have a great sense of "you only have yourself to blame" which really doesn't help me much, and what I'd really like to do right now is say "bollox the lot of you, I'll scrap my £170 and stay here on my own for a week, in my house reading books, going for walks, applying for new jobs and doing the books for Shaw estates" sadly I can't do that as chap needs lift. Can't tell chap - as he will worry and I'll then feel worse and it'll spoil his holiday.

Makes mental note: don't get pressurised into going on holiday with these people again. As it's written hopefully I won't forget this time and make the same mistake again. Next year it's holiday on my own or with people I have arranged directly with who I know I like. I fancy ruins in Crete/Malta I think...Certainly a Doing stuff holiday