Monday, December 18, 2006
where's the seratonin?
Hmmm today appears to be a bad day. Given how many good day's I've had recently that's only to be expected that once in a while one is sad but I think there may be tears before bed time.
So since I last wrote I started my new job. Once upon a time (on 7th December TBH) I was the knowingest person in my work place. Then I became the know nothing lady, which is understandable, I was part of the foundations in my old place and so needed a new job. Now I'm on a "change" project in an alien environment with no ID badge yet and no one who knows what's going on. Oh for someone to die so I can get a desk in a more appropriate building too.... I knew this would happen but it's very scary - last time I felt this lost was at the beginning of the teaching job from hell. I know this is nothing like that but I am quite afraid that I'm no longer in my safety zone.
Of course rationally I know I'm just a little bit thrown, there could be a little bit of impending parental visit in there (tomorrow evening) and there's also the 3 month wall, that is rather familiar about being single. The realisation that I could actually be single for the rest of my life, whilst not actually feeling I want to be involved with anyone yet, because I'm not comfortable in my own skin yet (as evidenced by the bleak mood today) and the idea of being "with" someone is somehow quite euch, equally the idea of never being with anyone is kind of bleak. Oh the complexities of the human brain. I do hope I feel better in the next few days. I have failed to achieve anything very much in the last few days and that frustrates me. I think I'm now in a fear circle - where you fear under achieving in time off so you can't move on to the next things and if you aren't careful the fear will overwhelm to the point of blocking any achievement and you will fail to move on. Damn, I am my own worst enemy.
On a perkier note what have I seen recently - well 1st part of Hogfather was OK but completely forgot to video tonights 2nd part (here's hopeing Sky aren't going to be as mean as their listings currently look and will repeat it in the next few days)
Torchwood is actually getting better at last
Watched Black Hawk down - grim but had to be done. Not often people recognise the horrors that men do. The whole "19 US men died" names were listed but "1000 somalies died" no recognition of them at all is telling about the value many westerners place on the lives of anyone who is "other"
The Starbuck people replied to my comment about their coffee (apparently Oxfam have it all wrong in their campaign. Ah but if they'd read my email properly they'd have replied to what it said which was more about considering supporting their suppliers with more long term farming methods than the Oxfam campaign)
Been out for lovely friends things. Watched HOusewife 49 but slacking on the actual film consumption front. Hmmm definitely feely blue this evening, I'm off.
So since I last wrote I started my new job. Once upon a time (on 7th December TBH) I was the knowingest person in my work place. Then I became the know nothing lady, which is understandable, I was part of the foundations in my old place and so needed a new job. Now I'm on a "change" project in an alien environment with no ID badge yet and no one who knows what's going on. Oh for someone to die so I can get a desk in a more appropriate building too.... I knew this would happen but it's very scary - last time I felt this lost was at the beginning of the teaching job from hell. I know this is nothing like that but I am quite afraid that I'm no longer in my safety zone.
Of course rationally I know I'm just a little bit thrown, there could be a little bit of impending parental visit in there (tomorrow evening) and there's also the 3 month wall, that is rather familiar about being single. The realisation that I could actually be single for the rest of my life, whilst not actually feeling I want to be involved with anyone yet, because I'm not comfortable in my own skin yet (as evidenced by the bleak mood today) and the idea of being "with" someone is somehow quite euch, equally the idea of never being with anyone is kind of bleak. Oh the complexities of the human brain. I do hope I feel better in the next few days. I have failed to achieve anything very much in the last few days and that frustrates me. I think I'm now in a fear circle - where you fear under achieving in time off so you can't move on to the next things and if you aren't careful the fear will overwhelm to the point of blocking any achievement and you will fail to move on. Damn, I am my own worst enemy.
On a perkier note what have I seen recently - well 1st part of Hogfather was OK but completely forgot to video tonights 2nd part (here's hopeing Sky aren't going to be as mean as their listings currently look and will repeat it in the next few days)
Torchwood is actually getting better at last
Watched Black Hawk down - grim but had to be done. Not often people recognise the horrors that men do. The whole "19 US men died" names were listed but "1000 somalies died" no recognition of them at all is telling about the value many westerners place on the lives of anyone who is "other"
The Starbuck people replied to my comment about their coffee (apparently Oxfam have it all wrong in their campaign. Ah but if they'd read my email properly they'd have replied to what it said which was more about considering supporting their suppliers with more long term farming methods than the Oxfam campaign)
Been out for lovely friends things. Watched HOusewife 49 but slacking on the actual film consumption front. Hmmm definitely feely blue this evening, I'm off.
// posted by Bitvacuous @ 11:34 pm 
